I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
two words...techno handjob
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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