Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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