I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My dick has a subreddit
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
