do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
