3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
