I feel great
I just peed on a car
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
