i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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