I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
