I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
