I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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