I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
