Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She needs sedatives and a leash
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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