Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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