Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
