Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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