he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
