Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
