I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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