So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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