just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
