i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
