i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
