Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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