final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
