too bad you live with your parents still
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
