We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
