I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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