I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
