wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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