my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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