When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
