The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
