I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
