You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
