his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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