so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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