Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
