Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
