watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
