I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
