I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
