hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
