I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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