Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
