I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
