I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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