Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
