Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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