I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
