In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
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