Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
